Reading does the brain good.

Reading, Law & Order SVU, Law & Order Criminal Intent, too many cigarettes, long drives. My current vices. 

You see I'm the kind of person who only partially deals with issues and subconsciously disperses them to the unused portions of my brain. I let it build there until it is oozing into the functioning matter then I like to bury it deeper. I don't really know how to properly deal with the stress of school (even though academics tends to be a relatively easy concept for me), the ever present nuisance of home and family, the death of a kind friend (the first time anyone I really knew or cared about died),  or my own interpersonal dysfunctions. 

Is burying myself in books any amount better than burying myself in frivolous reality TV or complete laziness? 

I know something, somewhere, inside of me is spinning backwards at the current time because I can't find the drive or focus I usually have for my school work, for my activities. And it's not just a bought of depression, because to be honest I've been feeling rather manic, for much too long now. I believe this is the state of over mania where everything is on self destruct, 90 mph toward the river with bad breaks. 

Scraps...

These are a few things I started writing and for whatever reason stopped. Also I think I'm going to start posting photos on occasion. I've be toying with the idea of taking one photo each day for a whole year, and have those photos say something about me, my life, or just that day. On to the scraps.....

SPIRITS AS ENERGY
When it comes to the paranormal it is typically thought that spirits or entities are energy. This is why people are able to monitor spirit activity with devices that monitor energy. When it comes to science it' is known that their are several forms of energy, some including: Kinetic, Potential, and Heat. It is understood that sometimes coldspots represent potential spirit activity because it is drawing the heat(energy) from the surrounding area. It is also known that their are several differant forms of hauntings. Could the form of energy possibly lead to the form of haunting?

Energy can not be created or destroyed. So what exactly happens to the energy we have at the time of death. It can not just dissapear. Is this left over energy what causes spirit activity and hauntings? Would the amount of energy affect wether the activity is risidual or intellegent?

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THANKSGIVING
Cute little families in the crisp November air, mingling around the rest stop with bright smiles, we're in Kentucky now. My mother is always slower than me, and I have to stand around in between sinks and avoiding everyone's eye just to get some of that hand santizer. The soap in these places dry out my hands and the last thing I need to do is add to my displeasure. Finnaly she gets out and I just want to take the whole bottle and rub around my body because suddenly I feel covered in germs and I can't stop thinking about how much shit just got on the bottem of my house slippers. Heading out to the car I can't help noticing everyones bright little faces as they travel to see their family for the holiday and all I'm thikning is: Bah humbug... wrong holiday.
Well there is one good thing, and no, it's not the three and half hour drive with my parents, it's the turkey and my mother's homemade dinner rolls. She made so many of them last night because she made regular ones and then whole wheat ones for my father, but you see she's never done that before so they weren't right and she had to remake them. After that she found out that the whole wheat shit had whey in it and my Aunt is lactosintolerent so she had to make even more rolls and then she had to make the traditional cinimonrolls. I made a cherry pie, which consisted of open can, open can, open pie crust, roll out, open pie crust, roll out, place in pan, dump can, dump can, cut in strips, place strips in criss-cross on top. I also cut vegetables and made deviled eggs. Why are they called deviled eggs? And why do you eat them at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Are we welcomeing lucifer to our festivities through hard boiled eggs or am I thinking too much into this. I do that . Now and again.

Sitting in this car with headphones snug in my ears, I try not to think about the impending doom of family relations on my father's side of the tree. My senile grandmother who has been locked away for her bitchiness and forgetfulness, my shaky sick aunt Debbie, my depressed childish silly grandpa. I can only hope we leave when they have to cart grandma back off to the nursing home and I can only pray this turkey and gravy and mash potatoes are delicious and not some regurgated store backed shit from Krogers. It seems these last fews years that my Grandparents and Aunt seem to think this mockery of food is perfectly acceptable for family gatherings, well listen here, because I beg to differ. Family gatherings are really just about the food, no one really wants to hear how you can't get a job because I can't get one either, and no one wants to see you bumbling about grandma loosing her mind, because we all saw it coming. It's days like this I just want to stay in bed and skip entirely, then wake up and have a leftover turkey sandwhich and some warmed up rolls and that sparkling grape juice and just wish over and over that my family wasn't Mormon and drank alcohol because that's how normal people make it through the holidays with their family. I won't even get to huff up a clove cigarette and feel like I'm walking through clouds for a few minutes. Something has to give, but it won't.

I hope no one wants me to talk.
Especially not about school, or my future.
I'm here for the turkey! Goble goble goble.
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Fight or Flight?

I sat wondering, as the light came through the window, what kind of world we live in. Why is that we can't go our day with out finding false fault in one another, and why is it we blind or defense with ignorance? I like to think I take my time and formulate well thought responses when there is obvious misunderstanding. But these typically come across pompous and accusatory even though the meaning and true feeling was far from. Other times I hastily string together a slew of solemn slurs that strive to project the fairness of it all. And it's these times I am more than certain my words are misinterpreted. But that's the power of digital communication, we can never really know one another's true motives and meanings.

Sometimes we defend justly and other times we seek solace for somewhat frowned upon actions. But what is the saying? Let the one without sin cast the first stone. Why should we be required to take a stand in defense against those who wrongfully accuse others of deeds they have in fact committed. The details aren't the same in each case, but the actual "crime" stands as the same done. I believe then, that the accuser's argument is destroyed because how can they fight against something they themselves do and support? Perhaps we aren't always able to see the hypocrisy in ourselves, or perhaps we rather find insult in others to indirectly glorify ourselves. This glorification wouldn't be intentional because just as one is unaware of their own hypocrisy they are unaware of the statute they place themselves above.

And even then is it worth the defenders time, when it will all be misunderstood in the end? Is a battle in vain, destined to fail, even worth the battle at all?

A new era...

And so it seems things begin to change. Along comes a new decade in age, a new room, a new school, a new cage. I feel myself looking out in fear as the impromptu climax of my younger years begins. True and total adulthood is a door knock away and I find myself standing around, biding my time to wait. I'm not afraid of life on the other side. I just haven't got things organized. This is unfamiliar, uncharted territory yearning to be claimed and I a green and determined explorer starving to take what is to be mine.

Impatience seems to be my companion, and not just as of late, he's always been there riding in the passenger seat. I do not see the point in a "general education", it's a blatant waste of my time when I could be learning the things directly needed to do what I want. But of course we find ourselves submitted to the standard set by our forbearers and thus we stand, the revolution versus the righteous. And this is how it will be time and time again. Because our reckoning will become standard and new breakthrough will be necessary. I do believe Impatience tags along so long because of my eagerness to accomplish my desires. It seems like a quality Impatience would find itself attracted to.

As the hours pass demanding full function of my brain, disregarding any medical haze it may be suffering from, I find my eyes tired as well as my head. This is a perfect opportunity for me to rest and to leave these writings as they are. To later be added upon or forgotten completely.